Author: Melda Baysal Walsh
More often than not, significant problems in our relationships can lead us to wonder whether to separate or not. For couples who are considering the option of ending a long term, committed relationship, Discernment Counseling offers a means to support this exploration with the goal of gaining more clarity within a short time frame.
While you are in the midst of reviewing your options, understanding the problems which are responsible for the potential fork in the road and considering them from a different perspective, is a crucial step. The following questions can provide a starting point for an explorative journey of discernment and might help us enter a negotiation process between us, our values, our beliefs, our identified problem(s) and our partner’s:
- How would you describe the /problem(s) you are facing in your relationship?
- What name would you give these problems?
- What do you know about the nature of these problems’? Are they seasonal or are they part of differing values?
Seasonal problems can be defined as problems that we know are temporary. For example, a challenging time we have faced with our partner after the birth of a baby, during or after a new job search, or in times of grief. Any subsequent time that we enter into the same or a similar life situation, such as the birth of another baby, another job change, another experience with grief, we might find ourselves experiencing similar challenges. These are seasonal problems because we can hope and trust that we will come out of them again, just like we did before.
Problems stemming from differing values are challenges which are rather persistent and repetitive in nature. They accompany us in our relationships in a way that might lead to the conclusion that “this will never change”. But what do we do if we believe that “this will never change”?!
During Discernment Counseling, you will determine whether or not you are willing to agree to lean into your relationship and commit to taking the idea to separate off the table for a certain timeframe. Approaching the presenting problems in a different way, can be helpful during this time of commitment. The following questions can be a starting point to shed new light on struggles/problems, begin relating to your partner with more clarity around your preferences and help identify what you can, want and will commit to:
- What are the first three words that come to mind when you think about describing yourself, your partner and your relationship? What do these words tell you about yourself and your relationship?
- What has kept you in your relationship thus far? What values and beliefs have you been holding tightly?
- How have you responded to this struggle/problem in your relationship?
- How might your response contribute to and perpetuate the problem?
- What about showing up in these ways is aligned with your preferences and with how/who you know yourself to be?
- What would you like to have more of and less of in your relationship?
- What has changed for you and what is your current life stage calling for? How is your relationship in support of this?
Another important aspect of Discernment Counseling is for each partner to take a hard look at how they have contributed to problems in the relationship. It is much easier to point the finger at our partners for their perceived failings, and can be much harder to look in the mirror at our own failings. It is with this sense of personal accountability, that relationships can adapt and rebuild in preferred ways. Whether you are wading through a seasonal problem or a problem due to differing values, Discernment Counseling might offer a window into a new way of relating for you and your partner.
Related Articles:
In or Out: Treating the Mixed Agenda Couple, Psychotherapy Networker
Discernment Counseling: Treating Couples Unsure About Continuing Their Marriage
Photo by Alex Green on Pexels
© 2024 Avani Counseling
